|The other week at my TNT party, there was guy who sat at the bar and just stared non-stop
in our direction for a couple hours. This in itself is not too unusual. Every once in a while,
we'll get an admirer who comes to the party and is too shy to introduce himself. When this
happens, there's no way for me to know whether said person is there for our TNT party or if
they're just a regular bar patron whose curiosity is piqued. Sometimes we'll approach the
person to make first contact. Sometimes not. Other times, they'll pick opportune moments to
introduce themselves such as waiting for me to go touch up my makeup in the back and then
walking by me on the way to the bathroom to shoot me a quick compliment.
What made this incident different was this guy's creepy factor was way high. Most times
when I catch a guy staring, they'll either look away or smile, something to acknowledge that
yes indeed they were taking in the pretty scenery but don't want to be invasive. This guy,
however, didn't seem to break his gaze for the entire night. I swear I didn't see him even blink
for hours. Then, near the end of the night, he finally got enough courage to approach us. He
walked up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder, and said "Hi, I've been staring at you the
whole night." (Uh, no duh!) "You're really pretty. Can I get you a drink?"
Obviously, I declined. If his constant, zombie-like gaze wasn't skeeving me out enough
already, he also had one kinda lazy eye (probably because he was pretty drunk) and was
rocking a Jesus beard. He was definitely giving off the "Hey, I got lots of rope and duct tape
and plenty of room in my trunk if you don't have any plans for the rest of the evening" vibe.
The fact that he outright admitted to staring at me non-stop the whole night indicated that he
actually considered that to be a compliment. Take it from me, guys, IT'S DEFINTELY
NOT!!! Show me any relationship that started off with a guy telling a girl that he's been
staring at her from across the room for the 3 straight hours, and I'll show you a future
ripped-from-the-headlines plot for Law & Order: SVU.
But this guy's candor did make me think, what are some more effective ways to check a girl
out? The following weekend, I was walking around the mall and I could sorta sense that
some guys were checking me out. The difference was that these guys were subtle and most
girls would probably not even pick up on it. However, since I myself have been on the giving
end of this scenario, I was familiar with the various techniques to surreptitiously check a girl
out without getting caught. The following are a few methods I know and have sometimes
employed. If you know any others, please share.
The Eclipse: Like Jerry Seinfeld said, looking at a pretty girl should be like looking at an
eclipse. You take a quick glance, then look away. Otherwise, you risk incurring some major
injuries. This technique is low risk but also low reward. You do get that little burst of
Endorphins rush from treating your brain to bit of pleasure, but it's short lived.
The Shades: This is a popular technique and super simple to pull off. Just put on a pair of
shades and look till your heart's content. Just make sure you're not facing directly at your
target or else you'll tip her off. So face away and just swivel your eyes towards the pretty
lady or ladies. This technique is high reward but can only be implemented in certain situations
like outside on a sunny day or inside at a plasma cutting torch demonstration or feigning being
a blind panhandler. Doesn't work quite so well at night or in a dimly lit room. Needless to
say, make sure your sunglasses are dark enough to hide your eyes.
The Look Past: This method is basically pretending you're looking at something in the
general direction as the pretty girl like a television behind her. Then, you can quickly steal
glances at her and then safely look away without the obviously giveaway of jerking your head.
This technique affords a little more chance of reward than The Eclipse but can also backfire.
You can sometimes fall into a comfort zone and employ for too long and/or too constantly and
then come off as a major creep. Even if you really are looking at something behind the girl
and not the girl herself, look away every once in a while just to keep the stalkery vibe to a
The Everything's Relative: According to Einstein's theory of relativity, you moving
towards a stationary object is the same as the object moving towards you standing still. So
this technique is to look in front of the path of a walking girl. Then, as she walking through
your field of vision, it's the same as you turning your head to look at her, but without the
creepiness since she's the one performing all of the action. This method only works if the girl
is walking in a predictable path or if she's on a merry-go-around.
And finally, The Hotness: This method is basically that you be super hot, because we all
know that really hot people can do whatever they hell they want and get away with it. This
technique can only be implemented by certain select people. If you're not sure if you're
qualified to employ this technique, then you're not.
Of course, the best method of all is also probably the least creepy and most practical. You
should get over your shyness and just walk over and say hi to the girl. The worst thing that
could happen is she'll shoot you down and you'll feel crummy for a bit. But then you'll realize
that she was kinda a bitch anyway and you're better off without her. More likely is that she'll
be flattered and appreciate the attention. Then, you can start engaging in a conversation with
her at which point good, strong eye contact gets you points instead of subtracts them. That's
a win-win for everyone. Just make sure that when you do go over talk to her, don't open with
"I've been staring at you the whole night!"